School Update

I swear I am in panicking mode right now. Tbh I have to submit my research and intern report tomorrow night and I have not finished writing it yet. I think I cannot make it.

Good bye graduating first class 😔

Pre-Innocent Melor

And as the title say..

I was on of the most unattractive girl (during middle and high school). I am the gurl with eerie vibe in which you wanna avoid weird people like me. I almost had no friend but luckily my childhood friends are attending the same school as mine. They stayed through thick and thin eventhough they often call me "psycho". Well, friend always tease each other

Melor is insane

Dear diary,

I supposedly feel happy. I secure a job, I'm on my way to the end of Degree live, I enjoyed my day with bae (everyday) and I hardly hit by large things that require sacrifice except for money.

But now, I am feeling tired. Too tired to live too tired to move my limbs are powerless.

My thesis process are halted. I hardly showed any progress. My intern report still unfinished. My weight keep increasing like an obese. I might be one if I take this lightly.

I am trying to stay sane, to stay relevant, to stay happy. I'm afraid if I can't control this feeling.

I lost appetite and do not know what to eat. But when I eat, I make sure I eat the whole bowl. Haihhh.. this feeling sucks.

Pray for melor please. I don't want to have any meltdown. I don't have time for that 😔

It is not 23rd yet

I know I know.

So today, I had a heated argument with Bae. We argue about faith between a narrow minded and open minded. If you know me, I am a traditionalist, most of all the time, I used tradisional way. I think I will be the traditional parent (no fun, nag) and Bae is somewhat a modernist (is that a correct term? Wait. Is it even a term?)

So the fight take place and being a hot-tempered bitch, Melor sure know how to make Bae feel upset. We ended up going home rather than buying some food. I am actually so hungry as I write this.

The fight goes on and bae keep nagging. And all he said this time sounds correct for me. Out of nowhere, I told him about my depression and those episode of breaking down. And I told him the truth that I am crazy. I might be a crazy bitch experiencing major depressive disorder. Fuck.

Just for a little note, I might be not really crazy since I received no treatment from doctor and no official diagnosis. I THINK I MIGHT NOT CRAZY AND HAD CHANCES TO KEEP BEING NORMAL.

I'LL FIND A WAY.

BUT.. THE MOST POSSIBLE IS TO KEEP ALL THOSE THOUGHTS AND EPISODES ONLY IN YOU AND NOT TELLING ANYONE MIGHT BE HELPING ALOT 😂 #Melortips #Idonotwantpeopletoknowaboutthis #Idonotwantmyfriendstorunaway

Pre Birthday : 23rd

As the title shows, this is a pre-birthday wishes.

This upcoming 23rd Nov 2017, I will officially turn to 24 years old. I am writing this to you, the future Melor.

Dear future Melor,

Today is saturday and I tried my best to spend time alone, and tried to know 'we' better. They said the only person who stays forever is ourselves, so we shouldn't feel bored with ourselves company. These words are so twisted but nvm. You're me, you will understand this. I clean the house and I walk to shopping mall alone. I enjoyed every steps I take, the hot scorching sun and the warm breezy wind. I was happy to be out alone but cleaning the house really affect the mood. I was too tired to move around and I got cranky with myself just because I cannot decide what to eat or where or whutttttt..

But problem solved! I ate nasi lemak sambal sotong which is not delicious and chendol. The chendol was great, not phenomenal but I really like the taste 

And I spent an hour in your favorite comfortable happy place in which the bookstore. Finished reading 1 book regarding true story of loving her own teachers and get raped  I was shooketh, like what the fuck happened?!! That escalated quickly and I could not brain that. And since one of the employee at your training place saying your face looks mature compared to your age, I bought two cleanser for different skin condition (they were actually on sale, each for RM10. I hope we can get prettier )

And on my way going home, I bought PapaRoti (Please remember that you are super duper crazy falling for that bread and it cost 3.50 for 1 bread). And I slept for 3 hours because we were tired, too tired to stay up.

Dear future Melor,

All I did today is for us, for myself. For once I didn't think about others and focusing on myself and I think that moment was not all great but yeah, please do it occasionally and only for short period. If you're acting like that regularly, you might develop into a selfish bitch. Jangan kata hakak tak payung 

Melor,

I received a job offer at that training place. I had 2 interviews with the general manager and I do not know what he thinks about me. Our weakness is everything we feel showed up at our face. So, during the interview, I really REALLY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. And this GM are quite indecisive. He always change his word and so, I do not put high hopes with this offer. Let's wait for official letter.

And I hope everything I did won't be a problem in the future.

And now, lets proceed for the last part: wishes for future, past and current Melor.

Dear Melorku,

Things are getting tough, I know. Mixed feelings, emptiness, problems. But if I can ask, it would be for you to be patient. In every struggles even the teeny tiny problems that would annoy you quickly, I want you to be patient.

In every breath, be grateful, be humble and be wiser. Never ever thought about suicidal anymore. I know things are hard and there is something wrong with us, mentally but never let the demon lead you to the wrong way.

Dear future Melor,

I am thinking of getting professional help as soon as this depression strike again. But I think I can learn to control that feeling in the meantime. Always remember, you have friends. You are not a pathetic loser whom everyone turn their back on you. SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE FRIENDS. PLEASE STOP THINKING OF COMMITTING SUICIDE.

Melorku,

Each year I watch us climbing higher and higher. We are nowhere close to the peak but we do move forward. The proudest thing is we keep going even if it is hard, it is hurt, we were in pain but we manage to get through it. Every year, you fight the demon in you and I know bae realise there is something wrong with us. And thankfully, he always here, by our side and rooting for us. We can never find someone like him or better than him after this.

Melor,

Thanks for still breathing and fighting. Happy 24th years of living my love 

1 nov

My body aches, busy day, wrong mood. Love is gone.

Suicidal thought. Everyday.

Taaruf? k I'm trying to be funny.

Before this, I started my blog without much hesitation. with my own name as the address and few people do read that shit. I wanna come clean about all shits I'd done but having a public blog ain't good. People will spread your shits to other people. People will try to destroy you and for God sake, these people got no life or what?

I am Melor. It is my old name before something happened and fuck I hate Melor. For this one time and place, I'll just use this shit. yeah, a name can't hurt you. I live in the big city, Kuala Lumpur. Despite all the bad things they said about KL, the one thing I learn is.. If you have money, it doesn't matter. Money is everything fr now.

I am old.

24 fucking years old with no outstanding achievement. Just breathing and living my live like a normal person would do.

I had a weird mind. Sometimes out of box but mostly the typical makcik2 malaysian style of thinking. Sometimes traditional is the best and being a gen Y doesn't mean we have to reject all the ideas from gen X to be cool.

I need to end this post now but I'll try to write more shits over here.

Xoxo,
Melor.

Of Nasi Goreng Ikan Masin

We are always go out for dinner, it is still a date. I try to look as best as I can (simple make up with my favorite dress). However, it just stop right there. Last night, he told me "he's willing to treat me, something fancy, whatever I want to eat". And so, I wear my make up, I almost looks like soap opera actress.. oh well. And the best outfit I can. Even put an effort on my tudung style. It was hard, but I manage to pull off the look. He said he had lots of things to do and so he will come and pick me up at 8.

8 p.m. and he didnt text. I took that as a sign he's driving and I went down to my condominium park. I ask him "where are you?" and the best answer he can give me was "I am at the office" he said sorry and he come to me nearly 9 pm.

I was thinking, should I scold him or not? He's working hard and all that's for me. But knowing me, I'm not a forgiving person.

Instead of scolding him, I decided to rebel in a smaller way. I didnt eat what I wanna eat and end up with Nasi goreng ikan masin. I cry so hard (in my heart) because I want to eat chicken but but but he needs to know I'm not okay with all this... and yes, I ate Nasi Goreng Ikan Masin last night. Im so mad and my make up suddenly looks weird. WOMAN, YOU ARE EATING NASI GORENG IKAN MASIN WITH SUCH A FANCY LOOKS . Lol 

But at the end, I move on. I forgave him.

Tonight, I just had the best night out ever. I was wearing white blouse that I hate because it makes me look bigger and fatter. It makes me feel unattractive. In addition, no make up at all. And no skin care too 😭

But, after a long time.. he was amazed. He had this shiny and such big eyes looking at me. He had this unbelivable expression, he was shocked. And I don't know why he's staring at me like this is our first date (he used to stare at me like that)..

And after I get in the car, he said "You're the prettiest girl ever. And you look so pretty in this blouse" 😂😂 and I kid you not, that was a PLAIN WHITE BLOUSE.

And we went to Paradigm, we eat toppoki and ice cream and malteaser. The only thing I truly like is the ice cream and he know me so well. Hahahahahaha no wonder he never want to buy me the chocolate and toppoki, IDONTLIKETHEM 😅

I just had the best dinner date ever. I had the best boyfriend in the world. I had a blessful night.

Thank you for keeping up with me inc my fussy palate, picky eater, high maintenance, whiny bitch and so on. God knows I can't get other people who can be better than you. I love you syg! 💑

An open letter for the present me.

Dear 24-years-old Melor,

Do you remember how passionate you can be? Do you remember how falling in love taste like? Do you remember that moment?

The old you is a nerd. A shy nerd with ugly face and uninterested in boy. Can we simplify this and just call my old self as a loser?  You fall in love with books and you fall hard in the deepest love pit. The first novel is Ombak Rindu. Used to own it for 3 times (3 diff books) but your friend keep losing that shit so you decided no more buying that. Takde rezeki. The second novel main character is Melisa and Iskandar (Melisa got that 'Brave' Merida hair you know??? Omg omg) and I totally forget the title since dont own that. Re-read that novel almost 4 times but you repeat Ombak Rimdu for almost 15 times. Hehe and the list were getting longer from there..

You used to go to SMO each time you went out for a little outing and spend almost 3 hours in there. You used to go out with Jul and he really hates it when you went into MPH. You stayed for hours in there. You used to go to library during recess because for you that is a magical place. It have everything you likes, the books. The magnificient book. From story book to Kamus Dewan dan Pustaka.. you know all the arrangement and you adore them so much. A place where everything is calm and things fall into places. Nothing can beat that place. Nothing.

As you grow up, your sister start to be a crazy-fanatic-malay-novels-admirer. She buy a lot of malay novels that sometime, you guys buy the same book. Few of your collections have 2 copy  After that, you turn yourself into English literature. It was harder to focus, to feel fun and to relate .. but you endure it all. A thin english literature took almost 2 weeks.. and as time passed by, you start to neglect them.. both of the malay & english literature. Now, you hardly read. You dont even bother to read a thin magazine or newspaper.

Dear Melor,

Do you remember when mum scold you for buying too many books and you still go for it because a scolding won't effect you? Do you remember how excited you are, hugging your books all the time during your way home? Do you remember how you learn to use bahasa properly using those books?

Do you remember? All those feeling. How enthusiastic and passionate you were..

You change a lot and you are not socially awkward now. You have more friends than before and you smile more often. You change. But..

Dear Melor,

These changes are good. But never forget who you really are and what's your passion. Focus more in rebuilding yourself rather than trying to achieve the society standard. Being you is never a crime.

Cheers to that pure little girl who spend most of her time in library just to read books while looking at the hills and trees.



This is a quick and short update about live.

11 July 2017 - I am sitting alone in this room and apparently alone in the house. It is 7.56 a.m., I usually laying on the bed. Live is good, nothing goes wrong. My grandmother condition is getting worsen, day by day. I believe it is normal for her. She already 60+ years old. My cat, Teh give birth to 4 kitties but only one survive. We call him Oki; the full name is Oki Setiana Dewi. My mum watch gema gegar vaganza and fall for mbak Oki so.. she decided to call him Oki (despite the gender. haha). The next news is Pa is working hard to repair our house and do some renovation in which we all will get our own bedroom and can say good bye to our living room floor hewhew but the bad news is, Pa work alone. well he only do little by little because you know Pa already 50+ and he always get sick recently. I can't wait to work and give allowance money to my parents. At least they do not have to do heavy labor anymore and can focus with the house renovation.

My love live is okay, I just scream at him yesterday for not buying garlic and onion. but we are okay now. well.. really okay.

Lastly my student live. I wanna say all is okay but I shouldn't lie about this. My carry marks is a little disappointing. My research paper also.. not awesome and it is scary. Im scared to go for VIVA. but I had so much fun this semester. My Degree is absolutely better than my dip live. Thank God for the chance. But I guess I tried my best, no regret is needed.

I think that's all lah kot. 

Diverse world 4

This world is only a pitstop, for us to prepare and makes money (good deeds and so on) to pay for our second pitstop, the barzakh world before we all return to where our prophet Adam a.s. and his wife, Hawa live before they goes down to the earth.. to the eternal world. Is that sound a little scary? Yes it is. I am not perfect, I have so many loopholes that are barely visible to human but gaping wide in front of my Lord. I feel ashamed that I commit the same mistakes, every time.

This is disturbing. This feeling of longing, lonely and guilty is killing me. Reminded by this barakah month, and all the Instagram feeds (mostly clothes and make up) makes me feeling disturbed. I have so many questions in my mind that im unable to utter or ask other people. 

Is it wrong with the feeling of wanna be pretty? I mean I dont even want to be the prettiest. I dont ask for the boys to look at me and see me as someone pretty. I want to be pretty in my own eyes and is that wrong? Is that also called as tabarruj? Because I dont have a husband and my family seems okay with what I do (apparently the only thing that shows i wear make up is my eyebrow).

Is it wrong to wear small hijab that doesnt cover the chest area? Would the boys see small breasts and feel horny? Serious question. (P/s : question number 2 answer is it depends to that boy fetish. Some people like it big, some like it small. So i guess small breast also should be covered to avoid fitnah and also to care of our muslimah pride and honor). Many of us know it is wrong but they take it lightly and when people ask why, they come up with the answer "God knows better." "Dont make judgment" "atleast I wear hijab".. and really, My Lord knows what is in their heart and intention. Let us all avoid being an ignorant and jahil in our religion matter especially me because right now I think, I am one of the biggest ignorant. Amin ya Rabb.

I have more questions to ask and ponder but unfortunately, not now. Maybe I can write it later.

This dunya is so disturbing that it makes me stop reaching to you. It makes me stop connecting you. It even makes me betray all my promises to you. But I want to beg. I long the feeling of being with You. I am longing for Your presence. O my Lord, please wait until I overcome all this. Please let me die in
Husnul Khatimah.

Dear Lord, today I miss You more than ever.

12th Ramadhan

Recently I have heard a lot of death news. The tahfiz students, the yana zein, the twitter guy but there is one death that is unacceptable for me. It is mindblown. I cant comprehend that case.

That UPNM guy named 'Pa'an'. Everyone know bullying is not good but there are always certain people who take advantage in other people weaknesses. Potraying their strength in a wrong way.

I dont even know why people like being bad guy and ashamed to be good guy. They likes to bully people instead of helping people, they act like they are tough when actually they bully A PERSON in group (lol weak af). And some ignorant people leave nonsense comment regarding this case (particularly about bullying)

"There is this one guy who get bullied but he endure the bullying. He is now a hero for all juniors in that school tale." (Like seriously dude? Wtf? Kne buli tak sepatutnya endure)

Bullying is not good when it affect that person physically or emotionally. I know some people would say eleh kne buli sikit nak mengadu, aku dulu ada parut sebab kena buli tapi tgk aku survive. Yeah. In certain case the victims are lucky but mostly are unlucky. How many people grow up with mental instability due to bullying? How many people have inferiority complex then turn into beast (after they feeling superior) due to bullying? How many people suicide due to depression after getting bullied? For me, bullying is really unacceptable.

Arwah Pa'an has been accused for stealing a laptop and he did not agree to that statement... so they beat him. Mind you, they = 20 to 30 damn stupid guys.

And they put iron on his body. And again mind you, arwah suffered 80% burnt area with third degree burn. They even put the iron at arwah genital area. Budak2 ni memang babi kan? Who would do that for fun? Why would we need the psychopath to be our army, our country protector?

Cant we just give death sentence to them?

For me, yang bersubahat pun sama je. Sama kejam sama bodoh sama psychopath. And how his friends does not even know about this? Arwah has been tortured for 2 days. I would say his friends are lying because they are just a bunch of cowards. A coward who know what happened but too scared to say anything and then posted their picture together after arwah died because konon sahabat till jannah.

UPNM is a military school and I know the man should act tough and of course, be actually TOUGH. But if UPNM only promoting bullying culture, I vote for that damn school to close their gate. How management does not even know their student has been bullied, ironed and flew from hostel then die? You, UPNM management should feel ashamed of yourselves.

I should avoid being friends with UPNM male students. They scare me more than a ghost do.

I hope arwah Pa'an can rest in peace after what happened to him. I hope the bullys can get death sentence or at least send them to prison lah.

I rant about this because it is too heavy to comprehend and I cant bullying culture. I cant brain the 80% burn also. Ill be sure to avoid military guy or military school. I wrote because i have the urge to reply to the post about arwah and be a keyboard warrior which I dont want to. So here I am, writing my opinion in my little blog without being a keyboard warrior. Haaa

Al fatihah
Zulfarhan Osman Zulkarnain.

Ramadhan

Aku di daerah asing dimana aku tidak mengenali sesiapa tetapi mereka semua mengenali aku. Mengetahui setiap satu adanya. Melihat terus ke dasar hati aku, apa yang aku mahu, apa yang aku buat. Mendengar tiap kata hati kecil aku yang penuh dendam dan nafsu semata. Menembusi hijab yang aku lampirkan dan mengenali diri aku yang sebenar.

Aku melihat biasan wajah sendiri.

Tiba-tiba dia berkata, " Biar rupa buruk, jangan hati busuk".. terus bersepai hati aku yang busuk ni. Aku terdiam tapi dia tersenyum.. senyuman penuh makna.

Mungkin selain nak cakap hati aku busuk, dia juga nak cakap muka aku buruk. Tapi sayangnya, dia berlalu dan tinggalkan aku sendirian. Di daerah asing yang hanya menyakitkan hati.

Maka, setiap kali aku melihat biasan wajah sendiri.. kata-katanya terngiang.

Jangan hati busuk.

Argument 2

It was a tough week.

We are fighting all over again. Part of me said I'm the one at fault. I'm the one who start this argument. I'm the one should be held accountable for this argument. But other part of me said it is good to tell him what I feel. He understand what I want but he choose to ignore it, repeatedly and it become his habit. To ignore when I nags, to ignore when I get angry, to ignore when I'm sad... the keyword is ignore.

We were fighting through a phone call. and it went out of control, I start cursing, I start comparing, I start talking nonsense, I start to spill everything and it ended with him saying good bye. We start to text each other (trying to say our on opinion) and both of us said sorry but it won't stop. We didn't stop.

He said he needs time. and he didn't reply to my morning text.

I guess both of us need time. Perhaps the best way to avoid more fights is by avoiding each other and taking a little break.

Contented

Sometimes I miss blogging and writing all those things (more toward craps).. but sometimes, I just wanna end this because im not talented in writing. 

I have been in this bubble for a long time where I have my insecurity wrapper and lots of weaknesses. I keep looking at other people with jealousy and hatred. It stem from my low confidence. well Im always in the situation which I think unfair. I work as twice as hard but why other people get to reap the rewards too? 

Today, I have plenty of free times. Looking back into the past is always my favorite. Back to the time when I actually have a cheerful live (padahal tuan dia penuh dengan depression) and enjoy all the things. I did lots of things from adoring my crush until picking fight with the teachers. Well living at boarding school is quite fun even if im not active. hehe

Today I found myself are looking more towards the future and the present. To be honest.. this 2017, I got the roommate I've always dream off. I can't ask for more (Shes totally like I ask God for, OMG....), My lecturers are cool and my research supervisor is like a mom. My research team is awesome (even if there is some bickering here and there..small talks). I only have one sem left before finishing this, hehehehehe and if I can find a job as soon as I finish my study, then getting married in 2019 is possible. ye lah, im getting old. Right now already 24, is not time for heartbreak pastu waste my time nak cari yg betul2 serius lagi sekali.. penatlah. In addition, I want to go for driver license, the auto one only lah because Melor is a coward girl so kenot try manual at all. adehh but its okay, at least I still wanna try to drive auto car later on. haha xdelah laki asyik kena hantar g mana-mana kan.. and I think that's all what I enjoy and expect.

I don't know if you ccan understand this post but.. I'm happy.

The present are looking pretty.

The future are promising.

I'm looking forward to wake up in the morning

I enjoy my day as it is - alone or with someone

I enjoy my weekend like a teenage girl

I buy make up and I use em for real and not scared to come out with sinchan eyebrow. kahkahkah

I read my books and study my test.

My night always peaceful.

Saya rasa cukup. 

Segalanya cukup-- and I stop longing for more. and I stop feeling jealous for others.

God is fair, human isnt. for what this hatred and jealousy, it makes me feel exhausted -- to pretend how nice I am. So I decide to stop and I feel content.

p/s: I already get an internship offers. hehehehehehhe it's actually 2 out of 5 but I already choose my place.

Semester 5

Starting with a big laugh and abit bitterness compared to the last semester. My cgpa decrease but tbh I can be better.

I CAN BE BETTER.

for sure, I can be better and that's what i gonna do this semester.

heart talk 2

I think one of the hardest thing in live is being able to control our heart, our desire and making out a better live from that.
The worst feature of my heart also my innate drive is it's indecisive thus I'm full with regret.
I'm regretting most of my choice and had a miserable live.
Regrets ain't beautiful, in my opinion.

But since it's all in the past, why do you want to torture yourself for something that already happened? Might enjoying the live as well and feels happy rather than blaming yourself for years.

My bae already work for almost a year and I will be in my last year of degree. So this 2017 is my last year to be a student. I hope it would be nice and great regardless how hard all of the subjects. hehe I would like to enjoy and remember all the moment.

*My Semester 4 result will be available on 17th. I hope my cgpa can increase abit. Sedih tahu tak tgk result exam last semester. Rasa nak nangis meraung... huwaaa..

One more thing, I think we can get married on 2020 as planned. ahahahahaha nampak tak mira gatai sampai tahap pikir kawen. Obviously we want to get married ASAP but considering my status as a student and the wedding would rely solely on our money, I guess we need to be realistic :) (DONT WORRY, IT'S A SMALL WEDDING CEREMONY)

I hope things are going to be smooth with nothing major happen. Minor bump is acceptable tho ^^

bits of 2017:

Bae share something shocking and I can't comprehend why. kahkahkah.. We talk about his friends and tbh they're all doing fine. they aren't jobless and they have gf. So I ask him whether his friends know about me (EXCUSE ME, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 FREAKING YEARS. YOUR FRIENDS NEED TO KNOW ME.) and he told me....

Yes, they know about you. But I can't show your picture to 'em. I'm afraid if they see you, they would be interested on you.

Believe me, I laugh at it. Tbh I'm not pretty and the worst is, I'm not intellectual enough. I like to talk about unimportant and boring stuff. I can't speak in english (I hate myself for this). I am so plain that I think no one except for bae to be interested on me. HAHAHAHA WHATEVER, YOU CAN GET MY POINT DON'T YOUUUUU?????

Hihihi bae can stop feeling insecure now :p

p/s: I ask him to buy whitening supplement for me and if this work nicely, I can be snow white in no time. ekekekkee