MELOR IS RANTING NONSENSE AGAIN!

I think this blog has been through too much; mostly my hatred toward my bae's friend and my craziness of my high school crush. Let's do not forget about my best friend who get married and I hate it. lol Melor cannot sit and chill while her friend found his partner already. And let's cherish all the moments we've been going through.

I remember ranting in this blog during my first year of degree. It's weird but abit magical on how things work. How things work perfectly fine. How I fit in with the group and how I'm not an outcast anymore. Being alone is my favorite but having a girl friend that you can disturb every time you're feeling lonely is a bless. My roommate also abit different compared to my previous roommate. The most lovable are all the sisturs who I met during my dip and the second one would be my current roommate. She even write a note for my birthday aww even my bae isn't as thoughtful as her. 

I also remember deleting some things I dont wanna remember and I dont regret it. Bad things are meant to be a lesson. You take the lesson to your heart, make boundaries and forget the event. Why? It's the simplest way to forget bad things. Being the pathetic Melor, an outcast Melor, a crybaby.. I need a way to forget things, to forgive people, to live comfortably and not being haunted by my mistakes. I guess other people also have their own unique way and I think people have their own baggage. Chained forever to them. But I don't have baggage., I let 'em go because I don't want to live the rest of my life with all those regrets. 

I remember how devastated I am, getting 1.8 gpa during my dip year. hm I won't lie.. that makes me feel like dying, It's a nightmare.. created by the stupid Melor who think she can handle everything but then things went out of control thus the gpa. But again.. I survive so it's a lesson and I don't regret it. And I remember how excited I am, getting 3.5 above gpa for the first time. ahahaha It's ... indescribable!!! How happy everyone were,, How proud I feel.. but then, last semester is such a disaster and I disappoint my mum. She want me to get an ANC but I'm not doing well.

I'm here fr my last entry before my final exam take place and perhaps my last post in 2016. It'll be starting on the 5th Jan until 19th Jan. I hope things will be okay, I hope this semester will be my lucky semester and I pray fr all of my friend to be doing fine with excellent result in everything and anything you're doing. hewhew

I gonna end this with #PrayforMelor :p

short ramble

I think it has been a long time since my last blog post. There are too much things happened but I can't tell them all but mostly are something that makes me frustrated so I guess there is no use to rant about that here. I'm getting nearer to the end of semester 4 while other people are having fun with friend I had fun with my boyfriend and of course, lots of arguments,

I'm trying to get 3.5 this semester but my medical record subject.. um I don't know. It's hard and I'm struggling alot too. Lots of assignment and procrastination.

I thought I can just suppressed my sadness inside me and no one would know or realise about it.. It's hard. Sometimes I just exploded for tiny teeny thing. I'm not doing well but I don't feel like telling it to anyone. Is that bad?

cancer

Happiness aint a permanent thing.

Tbh, day by day I'm feeling better in healing environment but for one sec, theres always someone, who destroy it. who could stir up my inner peace. And I'm back at the starting point which "I'm a failure miserable ugly woman" phase. No matter how many effort I spent, I end up gaining the same amount of happiness, the same cycle occur. I wonder... but people are cancerous thing. they are cancer. cancer are bad & should be thrown out...

cut off the cancer might be hard & risky but it can save the patient. 

In order to gain something, i think we need to lose something. thats the rational thinking... 

Random

I think I get addicted to Korea again even not affectionate in other people eyes & my ability of staying up just .. gone? haha I'm no longer a fan of spending night time for internet right after I said to Bella "takpe. I dont need cable because yelh, I guna internet burung hantu" I'm.. fucked.. up?

Yesterday is a bliss. Went out with sisters ^^ When you are hanging out with girls, I guess more laughter and talks because my jaws feel sore. Apparently the none existence of cinema give us more quality time, well we catch up with each other.

I'm goin' back to Palam & hopefully, nothing bad happen. May Allah keep my family away from danger, Ameen. Let's meet again all those annoying but I don't care people there :p

p/s : need to work my ass off. Cannot get ANC anymore so I should give mum something .. unforgettable with those grades. Pray for me duhh.

p/s/s : I'm a 2nd year student rn & next year will be my last year. yeah!

#KnowMyselfBetter Part 1

So I retake the personality quiz and I'm still get the ESFP : Entertainer! Hm I did some reading on the personality notes and found not all thing as accurate. But at this boring greyish feeling morning, lemme do some quick revision about myself. I'll call this #misiKnowYourselfBetter ;)

Strength:

I'm a bold person, I don't hold back when I speak out my mind. I dont put original (traditions) on the 2nd way because I grow up in kampung apparently that influence me, badly and I think the original way of doing things is the best way I can ever have. Practical? yes, I felt and experience the world rather than coming up with some thinking. The most important skill my diploma ever gave me is becming an observant. Physician needs to keep their eye on the patient bodies to know more about the patient, the gait, posture etc. I'd start to observe people since my first year of diploma. Lastly, I'm ridiculously have excellent people skill.

Weaknesses:

I'm a sensitive person. Emotional instability and whatsoever you call it. I'm strongly emotional and vulnerable to criticism (Don't give any critics). This is always my biggest prob where I can't control my burning rage to hit somebody just because she disagree with me, but after a little time, I will cool down. Conflict - Averse (Can I take this as my strength?) A person who sometime avoid or ignore conflict entirely. Because I take conflict as a waste of time and bored. I'm a easily bored person. I don't do same things for a long time. I have nothing to say on unfocused & poor long-terms planner. Lemme just agree with that.

Wow. I don't fall in love with myself yet.

Being an extrovert doesn't mean I need to talk or want to talk every day. A simple girl like me talkative in classes but an introvert at home. I don't make any friends at my college because I think I need a personal spave during my rest time. I enjoy doing thing in silent and alone. Is it pathetic? I don't care about what other people thinks. We can't be everyone favorite innit?

Reading and trying to understand my personality ain't that hard. I just need to change my weaknesses to strength. People are unique and special because God grant us the ability to think in order to be a khalifah in this small world. Interesting is it? Interesting how we actually back to the God. again. 

Arguments 1

It's 4.06 am

Can't I just whine here? My live sucks. It really is.. The only positive thing is the semester break and I'm at home. Before this I really try to know myself better and try to love the real me. But with every layer of truth showing up in front of my eyes, I ahte myself even more. It's hard to survive in this cruel reality (ironically God show his mercy everyday) and still I can't..

I had lots of argument with my boyfriend and apparently he hate it when I ask for things or show affections and crave for something. I don't know what is wrong with that. I'm not even force him to buy all things??? I decide to pull over from that lane and I refrain myself from being too lenient and generous with him. And he keep saying "I nak everything the same as before the argument." I said "okay. let's forget about it and we'll act like nothing happened." .... That is too comfortable for him right?

It's the fifth year and I don't know him anymore. Idk if this relationship will eventually lead us to something or will just end in a matter of time.

Ah I at loss of words.

to be continued..

Examination Result Semester 3

Last semester isn't my best performance nor my best effort. I've been playin too much since God save me for 2 times. I should try to be better.. ahh no words can display what my heart feel right now. I'm nauseous. I want to vomit since I sleep with worries and mind you, I wake up at 2.30 am when I usually dont. haha Results really are scary...

Melor...
Remember that, among those 6 semesters.. this will be your worst. No more playing.

I need to stop rambling. well I get 3.41 gpa with 3.49 cgpa.. I need to be grateful. Well,i'll already expecting under 3.50.. Things are going to be alright :)

Stupid ramble

Examination result will be delivered after 12 august which means only 4 days from now. As I write this, I have no regrets at all and no complaint about my life. It's not because y live become perfect perhaps I'm giving up. My five years relationship seems so distant and we had lots of argument but being in love  is a choice. when you said yes, you need to commit and try make it work in any ways possible. I still didnt make any move and decide to go with the flow.

College result for me will be out on 8 September. Fuck you UiTM management. Dah start kelas baru nak settle hal kolej, kebodphan apakah ini. tak heran org lain bash uitm & pandang rendah dekat UiTM pun. Management entah2 makcik dengan pakcik SRP je tu yang bodo piang bab bahagi kolej ni. Pengurusan masa kelaut. Yang kelakarnya, jawapan pengurusan kolej uitm Palam tu berubah setiap kali kitorang pergi tanya. Haih harap dapatlah.

k lepas cerita pasal uitm terus takde mood. Nampak tak aku dah menyampah dengan UiTM yang tak berapa ada dalam hati ni?

live .. is...

Sometimes a girl can only picture the life she wants in her mind and live on the life in the sweetest dream she ever have. I guess emotional instability play a role in shaping a dream thus it becomes comfortable. Yes, escapism through the dream. It's good when we lead the live we ever dream out even tho not all the character played by the same people, be it family or boyfriend. When I had argument with anybody.. my mind tend to alter the fact of the character and usually it replaced the character with other people. Or change the person who play the character in real live. perhaps it is my sweet revenge :)

Ah.. my words are getting tangled. I'm sorry, I'm never good in writing my feeling or trying to tell a story.

As I watch myself grows up, I think it becomes more negative. It seems like I cannot see anything special about me. As days passed by, my confidence level had been at the lowest point. Nowadays I can't even do presentation and get good marks. The truth is I screw up my third semester..

I don't even think I screw up because it really happened. Now, I shall lower my expectation towards my performance..... I can never get ANC.

I'm a dumb girl with few friends and leading pathetic live.

5.37 am

I used to ignore about what other people talks regarding me.
that is why I've never care whatever they call me but these few days I found myself, unconsciously struggling.
I become pessimist and timid and lost.

I found myself no longer showing self-love maybe because I'm not lovable or likable even to myself. I know I need to find a point, a strength, a weakness or whatever can make me love myself but it seems I got nothing. Everything about me is boring. I never excel in study, give it science or administration. maybe I'm just a mere stupid person. I like planning my day but in the end, I let it be. because my plan is a useless one. lol yassin said I'm good at it but he always doubt my plan. haha I can't cook. U might think this is exaggerating but I try my best and still.. I'm sucks. Sometimes it's not even eatable. believe me I try my best it just.. I surrender. perhaps.. can I use all the instant rempah whatsoever so yang tu masak of course jadik. I'm not good in socialising. Im never good at it because I give out an eerie vibe at the high school and apparently I have weird attitude in university and that my friend... cause me to sit all alone without making new friends. I'm ugly too. there is no explanation on that, I'm just ugly af. I've no hidden talent.. well Im not artistic or creative, cant sing and no. I dont have any talent.

Maybe it's better to wander abit more and know myself better so .... ah I hate myself. there is no way I would like being this girl or enjoy being this girl.. She is too ugly.

Fullstop.

Ramadhan 2016 resolutions:

1. Covering up aurat.
2. Be kinder and better
3. Stay pretty 

hurt

Sometimes I think life is abit unfair.
Why should he get everything
Why I should I got nothing
No matter how hard I try to change myself or struggle

I just manage to barely survive.

Doesn't matter how much effort,
The result stay rather than change.

I wont say God dislike me.
It just..

maybe I'm unlucky.
maybe I should just stay shut and lost in my own world
rather than mingling around w those lucky people.

maybe

When I think I actually move on..

So I make a decision to grow up and hide this blog. I think it'll be my personal blog whereas I can jot everything down with ease. well even I already did that before but still I'm worried about all those people who might end up hurting when they read my entries.

Btw, last 2 days, bae come here to make a surprise as a respond to my provocation. I provoke him on not being here with me when I have problem or when I'm sad. It's quite true esp when we was separated by two oceans.. but he came and give me durian. Since he think I'm gonna love it. he's right. haha I totally love it. manis weh..

bae, thanks * teary eyes* I really appreciate it.

p/s : I have to finish up my finance assignment, med term assignment, hospital mx assignment, participate in health marketing event, test 1 for med term & finance and one last thing Arabic Quiz.

p/s/s : giving up on being the honor student,

Diverse World 3

I had a serious thought of the future, the present and the past but I think it is okay, it was okay and it will be okay. How tough the live is, I am way more tougher. I put some of self-reward tho, do not know how I'll manage it later but it is okay. Writing at the end of week 5, this semester feels differ compared to the prev 2 semester.

Well time is ticking and people are growing. I like the diff, I like how I think I see you growing up, I like all the things happened to me. With your strong support, nothing can goes wrong unless it really meant to be wrong (I hope you get the underlying meaning). Recently going all out alone isn't really my first choice. I find that I seek for a companion. I'm longing for ya.. and I don't think it is bad. It is adorable to be abit dependent of others.

For this problematic semester, I'll try to double up my effort and try to achieve the aim. I know it's truly difficult but everything seems possible even to turn bluish sky into pinkish. It always possible.

I know this post quite disturbing and had so many different point.
But bear with it for a little bit.

:)

Time & Relationship

What do you think about time and relationship? How they can be linked to each other?

I think by knowing someone for a specific period of time, we develop knowledge about that person. her habit. her liking. her style. her voice. even her words structure. Isn't that amazing? I'm mesmerize by all that and how beautiful an old relationship can be. By old relationship I meant it as a longgggg time relationship. Take friendship as an example. I had my childhood best friend by my side until now and it has been years, 14 years to be exact and I know too much things about her by now.

But is it enough to know someone heart?

No. But we gain knowledge of his/her habits. The habits that lead to action. Any action taken can be predicted. Like you cannot whatsapp that person a short text "hm"or he/her will assume that you are being rude. The other example is you must reply to his text or he'll be emoshit, cranky just because you didn't give him a reply. See. By knowing their habits, liking, hate, and so on, we can avoid all that. All the pointless argument.

For me, 5 years is not a very long time. Of course we had come a long way and know each other better but as we still put barriers like "I have my own world other than just fucking texting you" well, I feel like an outsider. I wouldn't lie about that. Yes, we had a love relationship and I try to involve him in my live but he obviously don't want me to interfere with his live. So, the best thing to do is to fuck off. Bak kata Aliff, orang taknak jangan dok paksa. I have lack of knowledge about him. 5 years for me isn't enough to know his heart or to judge his love. Is the love real? or is it fake? Will he walk his talk? or it just an empty words?

As the relationship grow and we expand our knowledge horizon, at the same time we develop something called as trust. It's hard to gain but easy to be destroyed. too easy. But if you know me, I can trust you as soon as you say hi to me. I'm a simpleton. haha The trust grow each the hard time passes. Maybe it's hard for other people to trust the person who backstabbing them before but no kidding, I fall for it every time. People can stab me and run and come again when I heal. For my relationship, I trust in him for 100% that my mum said I'm stupid. But I believe people won't bite me as long as they fear of losing me. The one who bite, stab and run.. is the one who I don't need. That is how I plant my trust and how I put all of my trust on Yassin.

The 5 years.

I won't call a break anymore because I grow up and I believe, a little break don't heal your broken heart. If you want some time, I think it is better to put a fullstop rather than a comma. Someone who make you sad and didn't wipe your tears, is not for you.

Being in 5 years relationship, you know I'm getting old and I don't need a heartbreaker in my list. I don't want to waste my time on knowing a specific someone anymore. I pull off from that lane.

Yassin might get angry or sad but I said the truth when I feel like outsider. I know you have your own live and I finally wanna give you, a relationship that you want. For me to stay outside from your whole live except for the girlfriend part. I can build my own circle and I can re-imagine my own live rather than talking to you who have different vision of future.

The time won't stop but I think both of us make wise decision for our 5 years relay. It's quite stable.

You said you had a limit.
And so do I.
You said something hurtful.
And I believe, I didn't throw it back to you yet.

And I want you to know that I won't. I'll keep it to myself.


My conclusion is it is good for us to know each other for a long time as we know each other more. I love you as far as 5 years can reach of and back :)

Diverse World 2

I got DL again for the previous semester but that doesn't makes me feel confident. Besides, my classmates all get DL with higher CGPA compared to me. I think there is alot of risks for this sem since I'm trying to do something over my limits but I hope things will end smoothly. We all prays for a better end, don't we?

I have alot to rant on but I'll keep this post as simple as possible.

Till the next time then.

02:28 am

you know what hurts?

when something you thought is true, when somebody you feel like staying by your side, when your eyes see the loves in his but in the end, it's only the reflection of your desires.

doubting can be abit hard too.
No one likes to be doubted.

but it's okay.
you can crush me down. siat dan lapah hati aku ni.

In the end, it's me who is hurting.

trip

I hate it when I try to talk nicely and people ignore that. Cant you see what I'm trying to do? I hate it so much and each time you did that to me, I'm always tinking about ripping your head apart.

I thought things are finally going to be fine. I thought I could wait for the moment peacefully. but you and your annoying attitude keep harassing me. why oh why you dumbass..

I planned and I thought I can pull it off but you, you dickhead ruin my plan. wow I actually got no mood to talk to you or even to think about you right now.

Why we keep fighting over a small details? is it really that hard for you? it's not like we're gonna breaking up after that trip? grow up please. you're acting like a high school couple which we aren't and believe me... you got the whole life to spend your time with me. so get your head straight!

ugh ihate it when things go down on this road. I need a rest, a break from all this.
3-days-to-go