Feels Lazy and Hating Myself

The last time I did blogging when my bae is far at Thailand. Now he 's back but I myself doesn't have any free time to update this blog. bahahahhaha

Quick update:

Made my first time nasi kerabu with kuih koci pulut hitam. lel
Nad get engage to her lifetime boyfriend. hewhew congratulation!

And, it's 2 months and few days left before my big day. blerghhhhh

Haven't finish anything yet. Havent even start to do anything yet. Life is so boring.

I'm so done.

Day 2 Without Bae : Dinda

apa khabar dinda
lama tak jumpa
rasanya hampir dua purnama
rindu didada tak siapa yang tahu

dinda jauh di sana
jauh dimata
namun dihari sentiasa ada
menemani dikala gundah gulana

dinda kanda pergi hanya
seketika cuma
inikan semua demi
masa depan kita

dinda jangan marah - marah
takut nanti lekas tua
kanda setia orangnya
takkan pernah mendua

dari jutaan bintang
dinda paling gemerlapan
dari segenap wanita
dindalah yang paling menawan

Live Update for Nov

I want to write something here.

Just something, unfortunately nothing come up to my mind. As I have no talent in writing and this is just my live journal, so let's write some trivial things.

First, your Melor work as a clerk in a small chinese company. Weird huh? It's been two month. So far, it feels okay. 99% employees are chinese but good thing is they're not racist. My salary isn't great but I'm not expecting more than that I guess. I want to stay at least a year at that company if I can and if I am able to bear with my negative feeling. lol

Second, you know there will always be a moment where my live stuck at one point. stagnant. I have some financial struggle and believe me I tried everything I can, I thought of every ways. All ends with .. nothing. I want to give up. Actually, I already give up. I already did my best. I already tried to find a way. I tried. really..

Let's just go with the flow and see what is God plan for us.

Third, my mental health is getting better. At least, I feel that way. The worst I've ever feel nowadays, I want to give up. No less No more than that. No suicidal thought. I just want to live quietly, away from any problems and die peacefully after spending this long live. Ain't that nice?

I don't even bother to think about those problems anymore.

like, if I have money I'll give you. If not, nothing I could offer.

Fourth, I will be watching sad movies tonight. I'll be posting movie thoughts a lot. I think.. so stay tuned! lol

I think that's all I want to update.

p/s : I think .. nahh. I'll just keep this one in my mind.

21 July 2018

As hard and depressed the situation to me,

I would like to update you guys about my live.

I had no job. Idk what to do. Obviously I'm lost.

Bae told me not to worry but I'm feeling anxious.. being here with him, with no financial income. I'm afraid if anything happened to him, and then I'll need my second plan.

Our wedding will take place soon and yet Im not buying anything.

so pathetic.

I resign

You read that right, Future Melor.

I'm the reason why our live fucked up.

I resign from the place.

......

My High School Song Update 💕 - Knowno Edition

I believe people sometimes hear to a song and quickly relate to it. The lyrics represent them. But I couldn't find one. Instead of stating which one is my song, I wanna talk about another song. A trilogy - that I follow from my high school moment.

My highschool was filled with indie song that later become mainstream, or late 90's rock kapak. Hehe both were so popular!

So this trilogy (I hope I use the right term) song start with the first sequel. I'll write the chorus in which it summarise the song. Quite unique lah kan? 😍

Knowno - Kisah Cinta Liya

"Dengarkanlah kisah cinta liya,
Gadis idamanku zaman remaja,
Jalan nyata semanis cinta biasa,
Namun akhirnya terus berbunga.

Cinta lahir dari rasa benci,
Cinta lahir dari sebuah puisi,
Namun kisah tak kekal selamanya,
Cuma ia sewaktu remaja."

Can you comprehend that? 😊

The second sequel is Akhirnya Cinta Liya.

"Bertemu semula dengan Liya,
Gadis idamanku zaman remaja,
Setelah lama terpisah,
Takku sangka bertemu jua.

Kan ku hargai nikmat cinta,
Jika ditakdirkan kita bersama,
Padamu serah jiwa seharum mawar untukmu Liya 💕"

So the second one is telling a story where he met Liya again and hoping for 2nd chance. Do you think they'll end up together? Hehe Actually in this song, the lyrics stated about how Knowno found out that Liya already move on because she think they will never meet again.

In the first song, they actually get separated after they're force to transfer to other school.

And lots of people wish Liya and Knowno would end up together. Who doesn't like fairy tale love story?

He fell in love at the first sight.

The girl fell in love after reading a poem, written for her.

And now, that man create a song for her.

Doesn't that makes you want for them to end up with each other? Hehe maybe Liya blh cancel bertunang and kawen dgn knowno. Hahaha 😂

The third song is abit sad for me and few people. With the title "Akhirnya Liya" , Knowno decide to put fullstop to his love story.

"Akhirnya Liya,
Terjawablah segalanya,
Engkau dan aku,
Tak mungkin akan bersama,
Sekuat mana pun rasa dan cinta,
Tak bisa mengubah takdirNya,
Sejauh manapun destinasinya,
Jodoh kan bertemu jua."

As the lyrics shows, they won't end together. They WON'T and COULDN'T. Knowno make a shocking confession :

"Kau watak wanita terindah yang kucipta,
Realiti kau dan aku tak pernah pun berjumpa"

It feels.. weird. You ship both of them but at the end, your wish wouldn't come true.

These are the songs I've been hearing and trying to follow. I want a closure.. and Knowno give me this closure, early in this year. Haihh..

So sad. But so happy.

At least the story has an end.

At least 😊

May 2018

I'm putting a fullstop to my career journey.

I wish it didn't turn out like this but nothing I can do to change it. Being pressured, hatred towards big boss, no appreciation from company, in need for big money.. I decided to resign.

Handed out my resignation letter.

I am thinking to take a vacation - some time away from any jobs.

Bae agree with this too. He's the one who eagerly ask me to resign.

I wish I can take some vacation.

Away from all people.

But melor, you have commitment. Save money for bigger things. Be responsible. Soon, you'll be free.

Surat cinta untuk Melor

For the first time, I really wish for the time machine to be exist. That hope unfortunately shattered with bae's word - time is relative. You can stop the time if you move faster. More faster you move, more slower the time would be. But you can never turn back the time.

Dear future Melor,

I hope you will be reading this as your past memoir, filled with heartbroken things but definitely won't break your motivation. Tangled with frustration and feeling anxious for too long. I'm having a little meltdown. My mind start to wander and ponder, want for the impoassible to come true. My head crack abit, making me dizzy, and angry.

Dear future Melor,

I don't know if we are really stupid but we should try harder during our high school momen. Remember when we giving up and we thought things are going to be okay because we can end our live, working as cleaner and moved on. After all, that only a phase, part of our long live. Or so we thought.

Dear future Melor,

Tonight, I'm fighting a battle inside and I thought I can never win. I almost gave up. I come home with lots of things in my mind, lots of missing puzzle, lots of thinking. I feel tired. And so, I start to talk with bae about our past. My desire to go back, and live to the fullest. I might have brighter future- if only we know how.

Dear future Melor,

I'm trying to hold onto myself. Trying not to slip. Trying to fight the negative vibes..

I'm not even sure that tomorrow, would still exist for us.

We might end ourselves tonight.

Prodigy #MovieThought

When we fear of something, we tend to exterminate it.

This movie involve a special 9 years old kid. gifted. and cursed.

Eleanor or Ellie is a kid, loved by her mom but something happened and she kills her mother. She has tele-kinetic abilities (yes, able to move things using her mind 😱)

Mind blown, is it?

At the beginning of the story, Agent Price bringing a psychiatrist, Jimmy, as her last resort to prove this girl isn't dangerous. Jimmy went and see Ellie without reading previous records of her, in order to avoid any judgment.

Middle of their session, Ellie told Jimmy she's being put off. Turned out, everyone are giving in and Agent Price forced to agree with all this. The psychiatrist realize he's running out of time and try his best. He nearly get killed and Ellie is unable to control her anger 😡, turned the therapy room upside down (it's more to interrogation room).

Military takes caution by controlling her using device that stir her mind. And they also cut Jimmy's session and come into the conclusion that the 9 YEARS OLD GIRL IS HELLA DANGEROUS.

This is so fucked up

Jimmy once again try to consult Ellie without military permission and at the end, was able to penetrate Ellie's defense. Such a traumatic child, that poor girl cry and said she killed her mother unintentionally, and she's sorry.

ah poor baby girl.

My rate would be 3/5. I skipped few minutes , especially when the team argue with each other. I'm more interested to watch Ellie and Jimmy's conversation.

Perfect Strangers #MovieThought

This movie is an Italian movie.

Storyline is quite fast. 4 dudes who have been together since childhood introduce their partner to each other.

Lele & Carlotta

Peppe (a divorcee)

Cosimo & Bianca

Rocco & Eva

For this time, a dinner - together at Rocco and Eva place. So the story start with showing all of the partners before they arrived at Rocco and Eva's. Small talks and laugh. Their conversation are simple, relatable to us 👍

At some point, quarter o the movie, Eva suggest to play a game while eating dinner and waiting for moon eclipse. The game is simple. All of the phones must be put on the table and any messages, email or calls must be shared with all people at the table.

That sound so dangerous 🔥

But they play it anyway.

So many secrets and plot twists. Very recommended especially if you wanna watch it with your partner. Those dudes and women are too tricky! all of them flirt with other people except for Rocco and Bianca.

I'm so sad watching this movie. What make it sadder is the ending shows all that never happened because they are all against the game so they didn't play it 💆 sakit kepala tengok ending cite ni.

Geram!

New Trial #MovieThought

My 3rd movie today 😇

This story is based on true event that take place on Nov 2017 (the new trial) ☝

While watching this movie, the only thing in my head is "bak kata pepatah - rambut sama hitam, hati lain lain" . The plot twist is interesting but it lack of information.

I need to know if :

1. The police have been fired
2. The real killer have been put in prison
3. Government issued an official apology to Cho

I really detest things like this. Cho was accused falsely just because the prosecutor and police doesn't want to be humiliated for capturing wrong person.

Why get mad to others for your incompetence? I wonder how they can sleep at night for those 10 years (Cho's spend in jail).

Seriously, even when the real killer already turned himself, they choose to proceed with Cho, who forced to confess.

This people are so corrupt.

And I'm so angry right now 😡

Fortunately, all the charges for Cho have been cleared last November. Tenang sikit hati 😅 And Cho's a family man with 2 children. Good for him. I hope now his mother and him can live peacefully and happily ever after now.

He better live happily. I cried a ton, watching this sad event of his live 😭😭😭

Fabricated City #MovieThought

Ni movie kedua untuk marathon hari ini.

I can feel it, a dear stranger suddenly become your best friend. Suddenly, being online is more interesting than meeting face to face. I would bet it is due to my introverted side.

This is quite relatable since ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS ADDICTED TO KAMPUNGCHAT. sorry, ter-caps lock. haha The strangers quickly turned into friends and I'm so comfortable with them. I told my deepest secret to them.

But now, hehe I left that addicting thing.

I'm more to face to face now 😝

I'll give 3/5 stars. Not quite my favorite but interesting. I hate the fact they reveal the mastermind too fast. I need some more twist to that story 😅

Okay, now moving to my third movie.

Let's...

Ask Me Anything #MovieThought

Hi. So today, I'm doing movie marathon and gotta share my thought on each movie. Short entries for each.

I thought my live is fucked up till I watch 'Ask Me Anything' movie.

I guess..

Wow.

Katie sucha mess. Her world. Her live. Even her family (Dad and her indian mum, Affie.. idk). She sleep with 32 years old dude (other people fiance who she thought she can steal him) and her boyfriend and few other dudes.. like WTF is that.

Now I thought,

Thank God. for my lovely live. At least I fuck with only one person. hm

I don't want to end up like Katie.

22/2/2018

I had nothing new to report on except for

1) I met bae's family
2) Bae is going to meet his future in-laws hihi
3) I get BR1M which is.. magic
4) End my degree with 1st class, alhamdulillah
5) That feeling of wanting to run towards God
6) trying to learn account with a sincere heart
7) Not feeling suicidal
8) Trying to keep my mind open for new insights
9) Taking responsibility for whatever I did
10) nothing new.

Dulu dan sekarang

Kadang, aku tak tahu nak buat apa dengan hidup.

Dulu, aku nak habiskan belajar secepat mungkin.
Dulu, aku tak sabar hendak tinggalkan semua di kampung.
Dulu, aku benci keluarga aku.
Dulu, aku tak sabar nak kahwin.
Dulu, aku tak sabar hendak menjadi surirumah, hidup di kampung, menghadap suami yang aku cinta.
Dulu, aku ingat orang bersama kerana betul cinta.
Dulu, aku salahkan mak ayah kerana lahirkan aku.
Dulu, aku rasa Hazmi sepuluh kali ganda gila dari aku.

Tapi sekarang..

Semua yang aku nak sudah berubah.
Semua yang aku cinta sudah berganti.
Semua yang aku impikan.. hancur lenyap.

Tapi kali ini..

Aku tidak salahkan Tuhan
Aku tidak salahkan mak ayah
Aku tidak salahkan sesiapa

Dan

Aku tak mampu untuk salahkan diri aku.

2018

Hi.

I never thought that I'll end up working in account department because I honestly and truly feel like that isn't my strength. Just because it have numbers. Quite a lot. I like language so much that I love to learn it. My wrong pronounciation due to strong dialect accent doesnt shook me or weaken my passion. I read lots of book, novel or poems, it doesn't matter. They are beautiful, the way authors potrayed their stories through word is beautiful and mesmerizing in my eyes. My face glows whenever I tell the story from books I'd read.

But account?

Lots of numbers. And papers. And payments (since I'm in AP). Never thought I could pull it off. Never thought this would be bearable. I'd always hate math. Give it ordinary or additional math, I hate both despite "the coolest person is the one who could solve math problem" stigma. I hate that shit. I hate numbers. Oh God.. I hate that twisted bitch, er I mean numbers.

I survive my practical, scoring excellent marks that the staffs ask me to stay. But.. is it enough? For them and for me.

Is it enough for them to have me, clumsy lazy girl working at the work?
Is it enough for them to have me, who is a stubborn girl?
Is it enough for them to have me, who always misplaced invoices?

Is it enough for them?

Countless thoughts are running through my brain, mind and I, fucked up.

Let me be honest. From all this long and negative words.. hatred.. I'm actually bitter, because someone scold me.

She scold me because I make payment using PO and I cant seem to have the invoice when the person in charge already give me the original copy..

God..

I'm bitter. And sad.

I'm not belong over here. And it's hard to improvise.

Sigh