Dulu dan sekarang

Kadang, aku tak tahu nak buat apa dengan hidup.

Dulu, aku nak habiskan belajar secepat mungkin.
Dulu, aku tak sabar hendak tinggalkan semua di kampung.
Dulu, aku benci keluarga aku.
Dulu, aku tak sabar nak kahwin.
Dulu, aku tak sabar hendak menjadi surirumah, hidup di kampung, menghadap suami yang aku cinta.
Dulu, aku ingat orang bersama kerana betul cinta.
Dulu, aku salahkan mak ayah kerana lahirkan aku.
Dulu, aku rasa Hazmi sepuluh kali ganda gila dari aku.

Tapi sekarang..

Semua yang aku nak sudah berubah.
Semua yang aku cinta sudah berganti.
Semua yang aku impikan.. hancur lenyap.

Tapi kali ini..

Aku tidak salahkan Tuhan
Aku tidak salahkan mak ayah
Aku tidak salahkan sesiapa

Dan

Aku tak mampu untuk salahkan diri aku.

2018

Hi.

I never thought that I'll end up working in account department because I honestly and truly feel like that isn't my strength. Just because it have numbers. Quite a lot. I like language so much that I love to learn it. My wrong pronounciation due to strong dialect accent doesnt shook me or weaken my passion. I read lots of book, novel or poems, it doesn't matter. They are beautiful, the way authors potrayed their stories through word is beautiful and mesmerizing in my eyes. My face glows whenever I tell the story from books I'd read.

But account?

Lots of numbers. And papers. And payments (since I'm in AP). Never thought I could pull it off. Never thought this would be bearable. I'd always hate math. Give it ordinary or additional math, I hate both despite "the coolest person is the one who could solve math problem" stigma. I hate that shit. I hate numbers. Oh God.. I hate that twisted bitch, er I mean numbers.

I survive my practical, scoring excellent marks that the staffs ask me to stay. But.. is it enough? For them and for me.

Is it enough for them to have me, clumsy lazy girl working at the work?
Is it enough for them to have me, who is a stubborn girl?
Is it enough for them to have me, who always misplaced invoices?

Is it enough for them?

Countless thoughts are running through my brain, mind and I, fucked up.

Let me be honest. From all this long and negative words.. hatred.. I'm actually bitter, because someone scold me.

She scold me because I make payment using PO and I cant seem to have the invoice when the person in charge already give me the original copy..

God..

I'm bitter. And sad.

I'm not belong over here. And it's hard to improvise.

Sigh