Anxious

 I'm feeling a lil bit anxious.

It feels like something creeping inside me.

Just feel a lil bit unsettled.

I feels like throwing up. Let's start with something that has weighing up my mind. We start with Palestine issue. I've been following up this issue since the Oct 7th, 2023 when Hamas launch their attack. Have been watching all the genocide videos, how hospital get bombed, how kids as old as mine died or missing limb or I've seen the on with half face, the women, the men.. and I've been reposting all of it. It have been 1 month of wars, thousands die. All the call for ceasefire are being denied by the western countries. The muslims nation that doesn't want to unite or condemn israel. All the rumors about oil discovered near the Palestine land and everyone want a taste in that. Stupid people that keep defending Israel with stupid arguments.

It makes me feel mad and tired. And helpless.

May Allah destroy the enemy of his Deen, May Allah punish the wrongdoers with harsh punishment on earth and the deepest pit of Jahannam in hereafter. 

Amin ya Rabb.

My lovely mek yam.

 So, I suddenly remember about mek yam.

She is my special someone, that I known for a real long time. I grow up with her up until 2017. Her health deteriorate so much in the few last months of her life but the ignorance me, doesn't go home and not even calling to ask about her. The few last days before her final departure, she kept asking about everyone. Where is long? Where is **? My family never relay it to me to makes me feel less worry.

I got a phone call from my brother. I remember he cried while saying the words "mek yam dah takde". I couldn't understand, he need to repeat it thrice and the world feels like falling apart. How unfair is that? How can you go before I apologise for everything that I did? How can you go before I hug you? How can you go before I give you a bath and comb your hair? 

I grow up with her. I sleep with her... and now, her room became my room. I carry my guilty feeling and my sin towards her as my forever burden. As long as I live, I won't forget about her and all my wrongdoings. She left me without giving me opportunity to apologise. Maybe because it meant to be. Bad people shouldn' be forgiven.

To my forever mek yam,

May Allah swt forgive all of your sin, may your grave be as large as the eyes can see and as bright as this world can be, may you feels peaceful and happy in the eternal world. May Allah let my mek yam know that I love her soooooo much because I never say it to her and may she knows I regret all the bad things I did to her.

May mek yam be happy forever, out of this cruel world. Amin ya Rabb.

From your beloved ex-roommate, who has been with you for 24 years 🖤🖤

It's 2023

The years passed in a blink. Introducing our second born, I, who is currently 8m2w.

You have two kids now Melor. Still a fat SAHM, still married to your highschool friend and recently getting better. No suicidal thought, no killing intent. Handled all the troubles well. 

A is having some problem. Diagnose with autism and speech delay. But he'll be fine. Because he's your son... and I know, we can do better than before.

My 2023 resolutions are :

1. Can independently drive without feeling afraid - house area & nearest town.

2. Have sex every week (sape gelak, dia dosa!)

3. Be a capable mom! 

 ● Homemade cooks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping!

 ● Reduce screentime to 1 hour/day.

 ● Bring my sons to the playground/swimming/grounding every two days.

 ● Spend time doing activities with them at least 5 hours/day.

 ● Kemas rumah every day.

 ● Meal prep every weekend.

 ● Deep cleaning every 2 weeks.

4. Solat cukup 5 waktu, tak tinggal 🥰

5. Have my own income, passive or active!

6. Always depend to God, not people. I want to always remind myself -- dunia ini sementara dan ujian. Harap boleh lulus cemerlang!

7. A must be able to talk this year! 

8. Strive to be isteri solehah.

9. No suicidal thought or stupid thought.

10. Be yourself, love yourself. It's never late to embrace your true self.

That's all for tonight. I hope our 2023 brings us more joys than tears. May Melor live happily forever.

Amin.