Diverse world 4

This world is only a pitstop, for us to prepare and makes money (good deeds and so on) to pay for our second pitstop, the barzakh world before we all return to where our prophet Adam a.s. and his wife, Hawa live before they goes down to the earth.. to the eternal world. Is that sound a little scary? Yes it is. I am not perfect, I have so many loopholes that are barely visible to human but gaping wide in front of my Lord. I feel ashamed that I commit the same mistakes, every time.

This is disturbing. This feeling of longing, lonely and guilty is killing me. Reminded by this barakah month, and all the Instagram feeds (mostly clothes and make up) makes me feeling disturbed. I have so many questions in my mind that im unable to utter or ask other people. 

Is it wrong with the feeling of wanna be pretty? I mean I dont even want to be the prettiest. I dont ask for the boys to look at me and see me as someone pretty. I want to be pretty in my own eyes and is that wrong? Is that also called as tabarruj? Because I dont have a husband and my family seems okay with what I do (apparently the only thing that shows i wear make up is my eyebrow).

Is it wrong to wear small hijab that doesnt cover the chest area? Would the boys see small breasts and feel horny? Serious question. (P/s : question number 2 answer is it depends to that boy fetish. Some people like it big, some like it small. So i guess small breast also should be covered to avoid fitnah and also to care of our muslimah pride and honor). Many of us know it is wrong but they take it lightly and when people ask why, they come up with the answer "God knows better." "Dont make judgment" "atleast I wear hijab".. and really, My Lord knows what is in their heart and intention. Let us all avoid being an ignorant and jahil in our religion matter especially me because right now I think, I am one of the biggest ignorant. Amin ya Rabb.

I have more questions to ask and ponder but unfortunately, not now. Maybe I can write it later.

This dunya is so disturbing that it makes me stop reaching to you. It makes me stop connecting you. It even makes me betray all my promises to you. But I want to beg. I long the feeling of being with You. I am longing for Your presence. O my Lord, please wait until I overcome all this. Please let me die in
Husnul Khatimah.

Dear Lord, today I miss You more than ever.

12th Ramadhan

Recently I have heard a lot of death news. The tahfiz students, the yana zein, the twitter guy but there is one death that is unacceptable for me. It is mindblown. I cant comprehend that case.

That UPNM guy named 'Pa'an'. Everyone know bullying is not good but there are always certain people who take advantage in other people weaknesses. Potraying their strength in a wrong way.

I dont even know why people like being bad guy and ashamed to be good guy. They likes to bully people instead of helping people, they act like they are tough when actually they bully A PERSON in group (lol weak af). And some ignorant people leave nonsense comment regarding this case (particularly about bullying)

"There is this one guy who get bullied but he endure the bullying. He is now a hero for all juniors in that school tale." (Like seriously dude? Wtf? Kne buli tak sepatutnya endure)

Bullying is not good when it affect that person physically or emotionally. I know some people would say eleh kne buli sikit nak mengadu, aku dulu ada parut sebab kena buli tapi tgk aku survive. Yeah. In certain case the victims are lucky but mostly are unlucky. How many people grow up with mental instability due to bullying? How many people have inferiority complex then turn into beast (after they feeling superior) due to bullying? How many people suicide due to depression after getting bullied? For me, bullying is really unacceptable.

Arwah Pa'an has been accused for stealing a laptop and he did not agree to that statement... so they beat him. Mind you, they = 20 to 30 damn stupid guys.

And they put iron on his body. And again mind you, arwah suffered 80% burnt area with third degree burn. They even put the iron at arwah genital area. Budak2 ni memang babi kan? Who would do that for fun? Why would we need the psychopath to be our army, our country protector?

Cant we just give death sentence to them?

For me, yang bersubahat pun sama je. Sama kejam sama bodoh sama psychopath. And how his friends does not even know about this? Arwah has been tortured for 2 days. I would say his friends are lying because they are just a bunch of cowards. A coward who know what happened but too scared to say anything and then posted their picture together after arwah died because konon sahabat till jannah.

UPNM is a military school and I know the man should act tough and of course, be actually TOUGH. But if UPNM only promoting bullying culture, I vote for that damn school to close their gate. How management does not even know their student has been bullied, ironed and flew from hostel then die? You, UPNM management should feel ashamed of yourselves.

I should avoid being friends with UPNM male students. They scare me more than a ghost do.

I hope arwah Pa'an can rest in peace after what happened to him. I hope the bullys can get death sentence or at least send them to prison lah.

I rant about this because it is too heavy to comprehend and I cant bullying culture. I cant brain the 80% burn also. Ill be sure to avoid military guy or military school. I wrote because i have the urge to reply to the post about arwah and be a keyboard warrior which I dont want to. So here I am, writing my opinion in my little blog without being a keyboard warrior. Haaa

Al fatihah
Zulfarhan Osman Zulkarnain.